From time to time, while lying in bed, I’ll envision my outfit for the day. I’ll know exactly what trousers and matching top I’ll be throwing on. Even though I have it planned out in my head, I already have this gut feeling that it’s probably not going to come out the way I thought it would. Maybe because fashion wasn’t my speciality or because I didn’t think I could pull off certain looks.
I’ll get out of bed, throw on the outfit and stare at myself for a good five minutes. Probably give myself a few twirls. Maybe even bend over to make sure I’m not giving a show to anyone walking up the stairs behind me. Only to come to the resolution that I absolutely hate what I’m wearing.
It’s either too colorful, or too baggy, too tight, too conservative or too revealing. Essentially, I was concerned about the responses I’d get from other people. I would always find something wrong (I still do), if not with the apparel itself, then my body. Thankfully, I’d usually be forced to just say “screw it” and leave the house wearing it anyway.
I’ve come to realize that confidence has to come from within. I’d have people come up to me from time to time complementing my outfit. Saying they like how “90s” it felt and how they thought yellow reflected my personality.
On the other hand, I’d get dirty looks from people who definitely thought I looked like I was scavenged out from a dumpster. But it eventually it didn’t matter to me because I began to tell myself that I looked good. It was something that I had to search for within myself. I had to find the confidence to be confident.
It didn’t mean that every time I caught a glance of my reflection, I was “feeling myself.” It took time to finally realized that the only validation I needed was from myself, and if anyone wanted to hope along on that train, they were more than welcome to.
Now, fashion is just a channel through which I express myself. And no matter what people think, I know I’ll be looking like a baddie.