Living in Houston is fun and driving around can be even better. Of course, with a city as complex as our beloved, you might need to carry a few special items in your trunk as you go. Don’t worry, these are everyday items in a metropolis like ours — you just might not think of them as travel-size. And, as always, don’t forget to wear your seatbelt!
Houston streets are just as unpredictable as Houston weather, so it’s possible you could get lost, detoured and turned around when attempting to navigate. Should you end up in another city or out of gas, it’s helpful to have a travel kit packed with the essentials: an extra toothbrush, so you can find your way home with minty clean breath; a fresh change of clothes, so it doesn’t look like you spent the night in your car; a spare tire, because you never know when you might hit on of Houston’s notorious potholes. Even a razor, so when you make it back to civilization you aren’t mistaken for a sasquatch. Don’t forget: when you’re in a pinch you can remove the blade to fend off attackers and rabid animals. Beware the squirrels, man.
Being thirsty sucks. First, your tongue gets all scratchy against the top of your mouth. Then, your throat convulses weirdly as you try to swallow. Next, that bitter cotton-in-your-mouth taste makes you avoid speaking for fear of wretched, dry breath. Doctors recommend 64 oz. (or 8 cups) of water a day, and considering how much time we spend in our cars, it’s only natural to have a few bottles of water handy. But why stop there? At any moment disaster can strike and you definitely don’t want to be caught up in the rush of the over-preparing elderly buying the entire liquids section at Wal-Mart. Plan ahead. Store at least seven cases of water under your seats and in your trunk. You should probably include a bucket for a bathroom alternative. You know, just in case.
Remember that dreadful weather we mentioned? In no time at all, Houston can go from a dry oasis to Waterworld, and Kevin Costner won’t be there to rescue you. If you find yourself unexpectedly doggy-paddling through a watery wasteland, don’t forget that handy inflatable life raft you packed just for this occasion. We recommend the Revere 45-OC4C Liferaft 4 Offshore Commander Container with water-resistant ice chests in case you need a cool beverage while escaping the pirates that, inevitably, will take over the stormy and dangerous waters that Houston has become.
If a cop pulls you over, it’s always safe to have at least two forms of identification. We recommend three, just in case you lose the first two. And this is not a drill — in the wake of Jade Helm 15, we’ve taken to carrying copies of our social security cards, too. Repeat: This is not a drill. If the martial law takes effect in these Houston streets, you might as well have your birth certificate on hand to prevent trouble with the military, lest they throw you to the mercy of Maximum Leader Barack Obama. Include pictures of your family and friends among your documents in fear of never laying eyes on them ever again. You know what they say, our loved ones live on in our hearts as long as we remember them.
At night, the sun lowers. The sky darkens. The citizens scatter to their homes, and the city, well, gets pretty sketchy. Many students have taken to carrying around self-defense trinkets: pepper spray, stun guns, knives, batons, brass knuckles, a mace, a sword, ninja foot spikes, a chain whip and even a flame thrower. Texas laws are indecipherable at best about what’s actually legal, so we recommend sticking with southern tradition and acquiring a shotgun from your local Wal-Mart, which guarantees instant decimation of anything you’re aiming at, or your money back (they also price match). This means you can safely blow a hole through anything attacking you: muggers, murderers, home-sick gorillas from the Houston Zoo, Donald Trump, zombies or minions.